It was unfair that Rey was off gallivanting, leaving me to open and close the meeting.  It was unfair that Patrick, just because he was toastmaster, got to totally mess things up from our usual protocol.  Force the timer to introduce the grammarian role, and the grammarian to introduce the timer role?  Ridiculous.  Allow the table topics master to call on anyone, even role players?  That’s bull…crap.  And to let Corky run wild as the general evaluator and force other members to evaluate table topics for him?  Well, that sounds like a man unwilling to do his job.  Patrick should have done something, but did he?  Nope.  He just sat back and smiled, thoroughly pleased with the mayhem he caused.

Speaking of mayhem, Robin had nine table topics.  NINE.  And he was pleased with himself for each and every one of them.  He asked Patrick to describe a time when someone got the better of him.  (Patrick whined about some George guy and an old Santana album.  Like we care, given the whole “Unfair!” thing.)  He asked Louis to answer one of the three following questions: what did you have for breakfast, who cuts your hair, and what body part do you most identify with?  (Louis answered his shoulders and went on and on about how stinkin’ beautifully his body has transformed since he took on the Russian method of working out with kettle bells.  Rub it in to us softies, Louis.  If Carlos had been there, he would have kicked you in the kettle bells.)  He asked Maureen to comment on some long quote about sainthood and how we hate to see good qualities in people we detest.  (Maureen vented about an aunt of hers who was so good but never rubbed off on Maureen.  Yeah Miss PhD-DTM-I-have-a-cool-winery-and-a-freakin’- smart- PhD husband.  So you’re not “good”?  So what?)  He asked Taline how her cats were doing.  (In retrospect, that should have been a layup.  Opportunity lost.  Dammit.)  He asked Stuart which of Taline’s cats sounded the cutest.  (Would you believe the grumpy old man didn’t ever try to answer that very meaningful question?)  He asked Allison to describe a time she betrayed someone.  (Initially proclaiming to be a good person, Allison showed her true vindictive colors in describing a cockroach in the car scenario.  Even those of us who are good can whip out our evil when it’s appropriate.  That’s fair, right?)  He asked Lora to describe the best time she’s ever had at the fair.  (Sweet Lora went on about some carnival guy crush and her giddiness at new-found independence.  We fully expected some rant about the unfairness of the lack of good pockets in women’s clothing, but once again woman’s interest in man trumped any resolve for a cause.  Very unfair.) Robin asked Brenda to comment on when it’s time to complain and when it’s time to acknowledge that there’s nothing to complain about.  (She came up all acting like she didn’t know what to say, but then came up with a beautiful answer about gripes about her cooking and how, as a result, she didn’t have to cook again, which was a total win for her.  We need to watch this one.  She’s got Corky’s spark.  Unfair.)  Finally, Robin called on Albert to just talk.  Really, Robin, what on earth were you thinking? (Pretty boy Albert went on and on about how he could have been Michael Jordan if his body hadn’t failed him.  So you want looks, charm AND talent.  Is that what you’re saying, Albert?  Like that’s fair?)

Finally, after what felt like forever to those of us who hate table topics and/or were sure that Robin would get really unfair and call on a speaker twice, we got to the speeches.  Kim educated us on the Four Ps of success in the apartment management world – people, price, product and promotion.  She encouraged us to look at our teams and see if we’re heading in the same and correct direction in these areas as they relate to our own industries.  We enjoyed Kim and thought Albert was unfair to criticize her choice of black attire.  (Women like wearing black. We look good in it.  Geez, Albert…)  

Then, as if Corky’s forcing the table topic speakers to evaluate one another wasn’t unfair enough, we were given a grammarian’s report in some language that wasn’t English.  We would have been irritated with John for this, but honestly, we all thought it was just too funny.  Clever, John.  We’ll give you a pass this time, but only because we like those crazy shoes you wear.  And because we like the stories about the car that thinks for itself.  And well, because we like you generally.  But try it again, mister, and we’ll lock you into a room with Albert for 24 hours.  You can scream “Unfair!” all you like and it’ll land on deaf ears.

What else?  We had some winners.

  • Best table topic:  Brenda
  • Best speaker: Kim
  • Best evaluator:  Albert
  • Best humor:  Robin
  • Most Enthusiastic:  Who knows?  I don’t.  (It was Patrick, actually.  Damn ruckus causer.  Who voted for him anyway?)

It’s unfair that I have to remember all this stuff and write a report when the rest of you get to just sit and listen.  That’s totally unfair.  I’m not even the stinkin’ secretary of this stinkin’ club anymore.  In fact, I’m quitting this stinkin’ club. 

Wait, did someone say that handsome young Carlos is the toastmaster next week?  See ya’ll next week.  :)