Our Table Topic participants were totally into theme and it’s very obvious from the following quotes -

“In my dreams, I make out with Jabba the Hut.”

“I go good with any spread.”

“If stranded on an island with my only friend, I would eat that friend.”

“I go to work with last night’s puke in my hair.”

“As a virile young man, how can I carry these donuts when my hands are full?”

Amanda gave her ice breaker and told us how she loved growing up in Troy, TX and if it were up to her she would have stayed there for life but broken-hearted, she left that excitement .  Who would blow dry the sheep?  She has bigger things to worry about like unfortunate children.  Amanda gave a great speech to introduce herself to the club.  I weep for the wet sheep.

Laura gave a talk on how to talk.  That is, how to have a conversation with real people in social settings.  She provided great tips like exchange facts, talk about your opinions and wear revealing clothing that are a couple of sizes too small for you.  I added that last one.  She then demonstrated with Jennifer in a totally unrehearsed demo as if they were at a party.  The give and take provided a good example of her topic.  Additional tips – Ask open-ended questions, take risks and even prepare things to talk about.  Avoid personal topics such as your hemorrhoid flare up even if you’re itching to talk about it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Ribbon winners (a number of members were disenfranchised and their votes were not counted so the actual winners are not known.)

Theme: Beauty by Design

Word of the Day: Envision

Blake and his fancy pen led the meeting as Toastmaster. He encouraged us to simplify and reduce our E.D.C. (Every Day Carry).  Blake listed his E.D.C. on the back of the meeting agenda making sure we all were aware that he has a Montblanc Meisterstruck Classique Ballpoint pen (oooohhhh ahhhhhh) and a Beretta Px4 Storm Sub-Compact 9mm in case you make fun of his fancy pen.

Our TTM, Jennifer, wove history, fun and magic into a wondrous tapestry of wonder and magic and questions and fun.  I remember Corky, Vince, Taline, Amanda (new member)  and Robin answering the TT questions but the only thing I remember from the responses is the quote from Amanda, “…sunshine comes from his ass”.  All members collectively stood and turned our backs on Amanda giving her an extreme shunning.  Take that shun!  Actually, we all laughed with glee (which coincidentally is what comes from my ass). Amanda is going to fit right it.

Brittani gave her Icebreaker. She shared with us details of her life as an attorney and as a baker.  Then made some comparisons of the two.  It was an interesting and fun way to get to know her.  We look forward to her next speech.

Shane gave his 10th speech from the CC manual, “I’m a people.”  He inspired us with a hilarious anecdote about living alone in a big house and then explaining how successful people are people just like us.  If other people reached their goals and dreams, why can’t we?  Hey, I’m a people, too.  Congrats on completing your manual.

Ribbon Winners -

Best Table Topic: Amanda

Most Enthusiastic, Humor: Shane

Best Speaker: Brittani

Best Evaluator: Jessica

Theme: Cartoons

Word of the Day: Acme

Toastmaster Vince	* Muttley
Invocation Stuart	* Toaster Man
Table Topics Master Corky	* Whiskey Man
TT Contestant Taline	*
TT Contestant Jessica	*
TT Contestant Dev	*
Speaker #1 Jennifer	*
Speaker #2 Thao	*
Speaker #3 Katie	*
General Evaluator Shane	*
Evaluator #1 Steve	*
Evaluator #2 Amy	*
Evaluator #3 Katy	*

Brian started the meeting by leading us in 30 seconds of reflection, prayer, silence, whatever we wanted, for all those involved and impacted by the wild fires.  We even learned how to close our eyes thanks to his example.

Toastmaster Keith jumped right into the meeting by discussing the HAIR theme.  His jokes fell flat as he spoke of his afro as a child then how he matured to the ‘Rachel’ in the 90’s. He wondered at the mystery of facial hair – why don’t women have it?  Why did his eyebrows have a sudden grow spurt?  Why do we look weird without eyebrows?

Wendy provided some great questions related to hair.  Robin said something about cutting his own hair but everyone was distracted by his early 80’s shorty shorts and camel toe. Carol talked about trying a new hair product and her hair falling out. Stuart convinced us he has the best hair in TMs without even trying to style it.  Maureen saw a local celebrity on TV who used to be a conservative politician and now has hippie hair.  If you ask Brian to go on the record, he prefers brunettes though a redhead stole his heart for nearly six weeks back in the day.

Amy jumped in at the last minute and gave a hilarious speech about bad customer service with numerous examples of rude, obnoxious, lazy, clueless and sometimes foreign accented people who provided less than acceptable service.  A very funny look at what Amy has had to deal with.

Chris gave an inspirational speech that used 9/11 as the backdrop to people persevering and even rising to great heights as a reaction to the traumatic event.  He then compared struggles that folks may be going through as their own personal 9/11’s and encouraged us to find the strength to overcome these life challenges.

Our Holy Duo – Stuart and Shane – evaluated and then blessed us all.  Amen.

Ribbon Winners

Table Topics – Carol/Brian (Carol won the arm wrestling match to break the tie)
Best Speaker – Chris
Best Evaluator – Shane
Most Enthusiastic – Carol
Best Humor – Amy

It's big and it's black. If you were at the meeting this still might not make sense.

Theme: “Murphy’s Law”
Word of the Day: “Calamity”


Insults, slights and inappropriate language, this meeting had a little flava!  But you really had to be there because it was hilarious and I didn’t take notes and I drink a lot.

Brian meet Erin. Erin is a member and has been for 8 years or maybe it’s just been a couple of months.  Whatever it is, she was so insulted you didn’t recognize her, she quit…seriously, we will miss you Erin.  Come visit us when you can.  Brian (slowly shaking my head)…ugh…can’t. even. look. at. you.

Table Topic Master Keith likes to mow down innocents with his car and spend the night in jail.  But really, it was totally worth it.

Hey, let’s do something new!  I encourage Brenda, Wendy, Erin and Blake to put their personal spin on things and recap their own table topic questions and answers in the comments section below.  This suggestion has nothing to do with my poor notes or the fact some rude person was blabbing in my ear during table topics.  I’m just a really creative guy and this sounds like fun!!

We had 3 Ice Breakers!  3 awesome Ice Breakers!

Shundreka celebrates a milestone birthday this year so she decided to start living life, get her finances in order and run like the wind blows.  She took a cruise and took full advantage of her anonymity but that’s all she would say about that.  She ran a 10k and plans on going to Europe because she’s such a big soccer fan. She’s considering public speaking, too.

Jennifer began her speech with an admission, “I am awkward.”  It’s been a pattern her whole life – she’s quiet around others, tries to work up courage to speak and when she finally does speak she says something stupid.  How did she flirt in college? “This sandwich tastes like my Grandmother.”  Smooth.  Please forgive her if she says something dumb.  Whatever she says, it could be worse.

Our Toastmaster Chris channeled his inner Corky and introduced Kim as a porn star.  Kim took it in stride and told us about her family name. Her hippie parents fed her healthy food and she ate well her whole life but something was wrong!  Some foods just didn’t like her.  How could you not like Kim?  She fixed her diet which improved her health.  Now she can be a good example for her clients (ask her about her biz sometimes).  Kim is aggressively mastering public speaking by joining 3 TM groups and signing up for speeches.  She realized it’s a skill she needs.

The Evaluators said stuff.  It was encouraging and helpful.  We all nodded in agreement.

Ribbon Winners
Table Topics: Erin
Evaluator: Leif
***** Speaker, Enthusiasm, Humor: Jennifer *****

***** ENJOY THIS YUK MOUTH VIDEO ****

Theme: “A Visit to the Dentist”
Word of the Day: “Anguish”

Brian kicked off our meeting with an AWESOME cartwheel!  By AWESOME, I mean REALLY GIRLY!  In his defense, the only way to make any cartwheel less manly is to sport pigtails and yell, “WEEEEEEE!!!”  And Brian does both…in my dreams.  In my sweet, sweet dreams.

Our Toastmaster, Stuart, assured our guests we would not be looking into each others’ mouths which made other orifices fair game.  He had trivia questions about this picture:

From what movie is this?  What actor is playing the dentist?  Who is the other actor? If you guessed Titanic, Eddie Murphy and the pig from Babe, congratulations! You’re drunk!

Table Topic #1: Tell us about your dental misadventure.

Walter talked about how he drives all the way to Houston to be seen by his trusted dentist.  He explained how his trusted dentist married his hygienist who promptly retired from scraping plaque…except for Walter’s plaque.  Seems Walter has the dental mojo to bring the hygienist out of retirement.  Some men have it, some don’t.

Table Topic #2: If you could choose to have a whole different set of teeth, what would you choose?

Jessica didn’t pick fangs or horse teeth. She just wants whiter teeth. She asked, “Who watches the new ‘Bachelorette’?”  There were a few uncomfortable glances from a couple of guys in the club but no one admitted to this guilty pleasure airing Mondays on ABC at 8/7 Central. As many of us know but won’t say, the Bachelorette, Ashley, has amazingly white teeth which Jessica covets.  Jessica also hints to her boyfriend that he could use some whitening by subtly sending him coupons.  But Captain Butterteeth is not catching on.

Table Topic #3: You’d rather have a root canal than…what?

Taline rather have a little intimacy with her hot dentist.  He is tall, slender and has a head of white hair.  She thinks he is soooooooooooo gorgeous. He reminds her of Stuart?!?!?!?!  She went to see the dentist because she broke her teeth from what I guess was walking into a wall because of her horrible eyesight.  Stuart?!?!  Gorgeous?!?!  She must have severe cataracts…and be drunk …and on meth …and has Stuart confused with a human.  Stuart?!?!  Maybe I’m just jealous because I don’t have white hair, I’m short and I’m non-thin in a sort of chubby way.  But Stuart?!?!?

Stuart told the story of the poor dentist who was getting a divorce from his manicurist wife.  Sadly, they were always fighting tooth and nail!!

Dev kicked off the speeches with his Ice Breaker. His finely organized speech told us why he was in Texas – employment.  Why was he alone in Texas – he’s married with children but his family decided it would be best to finish some things back home before joining him. But absence does make the heart grow fonder. Why it’s hard to adjust to Texas – the heat?  No, it’s because of the rivals of his beloved Eagles, the Cowboys.  He’s smack dab in the middle of enemy territory and will never change his allegiance.  But he will support the Longhorns!  Hook ‘em Horns!

Genevieve also gave her Ice Breaker.  She talked about being in an exchange program that sent her to Japan.  She was housed with a family of a fisherman but she doesn’t eat fish so she lost some weight. The Japanese also enjoyed parading around their pet American. She did like the transportation options in Japan which allowed her to visit temples in Kyoto.  She enjoys traveling and moving around from Michigan to Louisiana to Texas. Genevieve and family enjoy Austin and have gotten into cycling.  She talked about her job in the transportation field which she enjoys and is passionate about. Sometimes there is red tape (she showed us a roll of red tape) working with governmental departments.  She likes sharing best practices and challenging agencies to be more efficient.  She hopes to combine her love of travel with her passion for her profession.

Amy encouraged us to GO, TEAM GO!  As head coach of the CCTM team, she rallied us to get behind the Distinguished Club Program.  Failure is not option!  Coach Amy went through all the requirements we need to become a President’s Distinguished Club which we have hit a record 165 years in a row! She then challenged individuals to get off their duffs and complete some manuals, training and leadership goals. I really got pumped up and volunteered!  Then an email comes out trying to hold me accountable to what I said in the heat of the moment!  What the hell?  I can’t be responsible for what I say.  Amy reminds me of those Jerry Lewis MDA telethon folks and their unreasonable expectations.

Patrick’s Evaluation of Dev’s Speech

Good Points: Engaging, enthusiastic, strong voice, did not hide behind lectern, good organization
Areas of Improvement: Slow down the rate of speech, move around a little more, watch the use of filler words especially ‘so’, memorize opening and closing, show more chest hair for the chicks to enjoy

Robin’s Evaluation of Genevieve’s Speech

Good Points: Seemed comfortable, no signs of nervousness, good content
Areas of Improvement: More organization, be aware of what you’re doing with your hands, increase your volume

Keith’s Evaluation of Amy’s Speech

Good Points: Coach persona worked well to liven up what could’ve been a dull speech, 30+ hours of work that went into creating T-shirt well worth it, more relaxed than usual with body
Areas of Improvement: Stay in character throughout, stay loose throughout

This is the second meeting in a row where Corky has not made a sexual remark.  We are really worried about him now.  I had to step in and say something questionable just to feel better. But he jumped at the chance to tell us he never brushed his teeth until he was 14 years old and when he finally saw a dentist for the first time in his 20′s, he had no cavities.  And no girlfriends.  Now he brushes every 14 years whether he needs to or not.

Ribbon Winners

Table Topics: Taline
Speaker: Dev
Evaluator: Patrick
Enthusiasm: Amy
Humor: Keith

Stuart?!?!?!

We attempted to meet in our usual room at Waller Creek but it was occupied by a group who I suspect did not clap nearly as often as we do. So we lingered in the lobby looking lost and clueless desperately hoping SOMEONE would take charge. And someone did! Our President, Brian “Kick Butt” Monroe, charged in, dropped a few F-bombs (jk) and secured a meeting place on the 9th floor. It did not have the open space we’re accustomed to so we had to skip our opening cartwheel routine but the chairs were plush and quite cozy.

Our Toastmaster, Brendan, was not rattled in the least by the room assignment confusion. He smiled that friendly, by-gosh I’m adorable smile and warmed the room with his easy-going, I’m-just-chillin-at-a-backyard-bbq-just-chatting-about-the-good-things-in-life attitude. Something about the procrastination theme lit a fire under him which is weird because he’s usually late and unprepared. But he orchestrated a great meeting like he always does no matter the time of his arrival or his sorry prep work.

Stuart was the Table Topic Master. He was up to par with his dependable humor and great questions – Stuart to Brian: Seasonable procrastination? Brian: I can’t get adequate water coverage with my sprinklers no matter how many F-bombs I lob towards them (jk). Stuart to Genevieve: A time procrastination worked for you? Genevieve: I had a trip to DC and a move to Austin on the books, I did nothing but laugh at fate and it worked out. Stuart to Brenda: When has hard work actually paid off? Brenda: Garr Yukk Blehh Wakawaka!!! (jk). Brenda: Mothering! 3 daughters. Worth every wrinkle. Opened up another dimension. Stuart to Vincent: Who is the laziest person you know besides Brendan? Vincent: My people – Mexicans! It’s okay I’m Mexican and I don’t agree with the stereotype of lazy Mexicans riding donkeys, wearing ponchos and sombreros that you see in cartoons. Mexicans, like all nationalities, have hard working and lazy people and the stereotype is bs(jk but close).

Our first prepared speaker was Robin who spoke about the difficulties of using one medium (words) to evaluate and describe the qualities of another medium (music). His two other main points were how the literal and figurative criticisms of music can be both good and bad. Robin provided quotes and examples from mainstream critics to support his points. It was a speech that provided a look into an abstract topic which was the purpose of his manual goal. Hearing his speech was like hitting a pedestrian with your car and repeatedly backing over that pedestrian while cackling with glee and then realizing that pedestrian is YOU!

Shane stepped in for Brian who stepped in for Olivia who procrastinated and bailed at the last minute. Shhtuff happens. Olivia couldn’t make the meeting, Brian was willing, but Shane put on his cape and spoke for us, saving one or two folks from table topics. Shane spoke of the demise of the sit-com, how “Sopranos” broke new ground in television and ultimately how “Lost” came to represent not only the mysteries in life but more so how mysteries are less important than the human story and how we should get the full story on people rather than judge them by the initial “mystery”. Got it?

Like always, Keith kicked butt on his evaluation of Robin. Good points: Fascinating topic, love the timber of voice, good choice to focus on two points. Areas of possible improvement: Add to speaking “toolbox’ the use of a pause, vary rate of speech to emphasis points, vary inflection and volume.

Heather had the quote of the day (best as I can remember): “Shane was speaking from the Cojones manual”. I was personally offended but from the laughs I guess we’re a group with questionable class. Heather’s point was that Shane stepped up at the last minute and gave an awesome speech with little prep. Good points: Relate-able topic, universal message. Areas of possible improvement: More focus on the message throughout the speech rather than twist at the end.

Other notes: Corky was the Chief Evaluator not the Admiral or Captain or Chief Captain evaluator as he was referred to. Corky made no overtly sexual remarks at this meeting so we think he has a brain tumor.

Ribbon Winners-

Best Table Topic: I forgot but my pick is Brenda
Best Speaker: Shane
Best Evaluator: Keith
Best use of Humor: Stuart
Most Enthusiastic: Again, I forgot but I’ll pick Brendan and Brian

See ya next week…

We met. We spoke. There was a lot of clapping.

Ta-da!

Jason ran the meeting as our Toastmaster. And once he quit blushing from Rey’s introduction of him, he did a fine job. Rey gave a perfect demo of how to give an introduction…of a Chippendale dancer. He showed he’s more than just a pretty face by keeping the meeting bumping and grinding along with just the right amount of commentary.

You can put lipstick on a pig or a hockey mom and Jenny would gladly take a jab at either. Politics aside, she did show us how to liberally incorporate the theme into table topics as our TTM.

What unfinished projects does Carol have in her closet? She has a cluttered closet in her closet. It drives her crazy! Luckily, she’s reading a book on how to unclutter your life. She’s going to tackle that closet next week right after she reads a how to not procrastinate book. Maybe.

What does Corky know how to do but pays other people to do instead? He says he’s only good at three things: cooking, drinking, eating and sex. Notice counting is not on that list. Nor is being discreet. He’ll keep doing those things himself but not accounting. If you ask him to do some accounting, he’ll just plug in numbers that benefit him and screw the government.

How can Stuart tell when someone is lying? He shows them how to make an origami bird of course. The seasoned Toastmaster demonstrated not only the practical art of paper folding but also how to be prepared for a table topic question – his paper bird was pre-folded for a quick demo. Unfortunately the question wasn’t how to make an origami bird but that didn’t stop him. A true pro.

Amy’s speech was a great presentation on how to do a ‘how to’ presentation. The idea for this presentation hit her when she was watching an online video of ‘how to pick up women’. Apparently the trick is to bend at the knees. Don’t use your back muscles! She provided a step by step approach of the step by step approach one should take in giving a ‘how to’ presentation. You should demo something you know how to do well, break it down into easy steps, maybe add props, costumes and nudity and entertain, inspire or allow people to get to know you better.

Staci showed us how to practice Ashtanga. I may be totally wrong here but I believe it’s a type of yoga practice or a system of yoga or not yoga at all. It’s an ordered series of postures, breathing and sweating like a pig. You breathe like Darth Vader while contracting your fun muscles while you gaze at your body parts. I encourage you to ask Staci more about it because I cannot do it justice. I recommend having her show you how bendy she is.
Ania speech topic was how to impede progress and sabotage your life. Ania says our TM club is a group of overachievers (frankly, I think most of you need a lot of work). We are scaring away potential club members with our excellence. We need to:

1) quit showing off our numerous ribbons
2) accept speech assignments 2hrs before a meeting
3) chew gum when we speak so we drool, mispronounce words and possibly choke

Mediocrity is where we need to set the bar!

There were valuable evaluations but I gotta keep these recaps brief man! Can’t we just video the meeting and post it on You Tube?

Ribbon winners -
Most Wonderful Table Topic Involving Folded Paper – Stuart
Most Ironic Winner of Best Speech – Ania
Best Evaluator Named Wendy – Wendy
Most Enthusiastic Contractor of Fun Muscles – Staci
Funniest Person With Parents at the Meeting – Ania

Check out this link to ‘how to’ videos Amy referenced in her speech http://www.videojug.com

Don’t know what rumors John spreads around about Amy but our Saudi Arabian friend, Mohammed, with lots of giggles, introduced “Spicy” Amy, our Table Topics Master. We found out Corky liked to party in school and spent a lot of time in detention. We were shocked. SHOCKED, I SAY! Our hairy friend Ania wished she would’ve known girls in America shave their legs and armpits. We found out one Polish girl shaved her head. Carlos thinks it’d be useful for a kid to know ‘how to be a “G”‘ (that’s gangster to you). You had to be there for the visual. Rey noticed a little romance blooming between her son and her friends’ daughter but if he needs some help in that area, he’ll need to talk to Dad. Mohammed has no idea what he’d like to learn in school but he did enjoy the time his friend turned on the air conditioning unit and there were cats inside (more giggling).

Lloyd gave his icebreaker. Lloyd partied a lot in high school, decided school wasn’t for him even though his Dad threatened to withhold money for underwear. Lloyd assured us he did not go without underwear. The military helped turn Lloyd around through the time tested methods of multiple push-ups, yelling and don’t ask-don’t tell. He did a great job using humor and the word of the day.

One of our new members, Maureen McGovern, evaluated Lloyd. She looks strikingly similar to Maureen McReynolds.

Louis showed us the possible ‘Future of Education’ which apparently involves lovely assistants and hypnotizing women – the cornerstones of a fulfilling life. It was a complex topic that deserved more than the 5-7minutes allotted. There were brain waves and unconscious consciousness and light bulbs. At one point, I saw the ghost of my great grandfather. It was a genuinely interesting topic that I’m sure we all would like to hear more about.

Emperor Albert evaluated Louis but really took the opportunity to talk about himself.

RIBBON WINNERS
—————————–
Best Table Topics: ‘G’ Carlos
Most Enthusiastic: ‘Spicy’ Amy
Best Speaker: Lloyd
Best Evaluator: Maureen
Best Humorist: Keith